Satire News Article
DUKE SETTLES LAWSUIT WITH SATAN Trademark Case Seen as Source of Recent Troubles at Duke DURHAM(THF)-Duke University, citing a desire to put "all this ugliness behind them" agreed to pay the Prince of Darkness more than $10 million in damages related to a trademark infringement lawsuit the Evil One filed against the university earlier this year. According to court papers, Satan, filed suit in US Federal Court in Greensboro, NC for what he called "egregious infringement upon his trademark and name" for the university's use of the Blue Devil mascot. The filing, which was recently unsealed, demanded millions in damges and royalty payments for the school's long standing use of the image. Duke contested the suit on the grounds the Devil is not blue but red and the matter was immediately heard by federal judge Mark O'Connor. According to court documents O'Connor opted for a quick ruling against the university saying any use of the devil in such a manner as to "intimidate opponents is a clear attempt to draw upon the reputation of Satan" and ordered the school to pay the full damages to Satan. The Duke legal team, despite their own association with the Dark One, called the ruling a sham and indicated they would not comply. Duke patent refusal led to O'Connor issuing a most unusual contempt of court order which stipulated that Satan could have free reign to "do as he wishes" with the university until they comply with the court order. The contempt citation was issued on March 3rd one day before North Carolina played the Blue Devils in Durham. Duke lost their senior night game to their hated rivals. What followed can only be described as "three plus months of hell" for Duke. On March 13 several members of the lacrosse team were involved in an off campus party where a rape was alleaged to have occurred. The following week the Duke basketball team was eliminated by LSU from the NCAA Tournament. In April, as the lacrosse case spiraled out of control, the Duke women's basketball team lost the national championship game to Maryland. In June former Duke guard J.J. Redick was charged with DUI near campus and over the weekend Duke AD Joe Alleva was involved in a boating accident where his son, J.D., was charged with operating a boat while under the influence. According to an anonymous Duke official, the boating accident was the last straw. "We thought we had grounds to have it overturned" said the official, "but Satan is just relentless with the stuff he can throw at you and we decided it was best to put this whole thing behind us" Individuals close to the Devil say he is satisfied with the outcome and will follow the court's mandates to leave the university alone for the time being. When asked if Satan would pursue similar mascot related litigation, Hell officials said he had already reached an agreement with the DePaul Blue Demons which included their move to the Big East. Demonic officials said Satan would "wait and see how that Herb Sendek thing works out at Arizona St." before deciding on whether to challenge the use of the Sun Devil as a mascot in Tempe. Sources also indicated that Satan's contract with Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski was not effected by the lawsuit against the university.