Tar Heel Fan

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Al Qaeda-Iraq Coach Suddenly Resigns

Pressure to win against the U.S. proves to be too much BAGHDAD-The Al Qaeda-Iraq Insurgents terrorist team is without head coach Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his staff this morning who departed overnight under immense pressure from a 500-lb U.S. bomb which flattened his home and office. Sources close to the situation say Zarqawi and his staff were reviewing a new game plan when the U.S. overwhelmed the Insurgent defense and completed a long pass directly into Zarqawi's living room. The final score of the match was U.S. 8 Insurgents 0. Team owner Osama Bin Laden is now faced with the ardous task of filling a coaching position in an already competitive market. A spokesman for Bin Laden said that they were currently looking at candidates from the "mid-major" level and are really interested in someone who has experience dealing with the United States and Britain. Many analysts believe that this means Bin Laden will be taking a long look at terror leaders in Afghanistan though one cannot rule out the possibility Bin Laden will go "outside the family" to Hamas or Iran to garner the "next great terror leader." While the field is wide open one thing is certain, the process will be a quick one. "Allah willing we hope to tender an offer in a matter of days and fill the post." said Ala Muhammed Barak. "And we certainly will not be taking 33 days and then settle for some unproven Motlov cocktail hurler who happened to plant a few successful IEDs over 20 years ago. No, we want a proven winner who we know can recruit" Barak says securing and holding new recruits will be the primary focus of any new man in Iraq. It has been rumored that certain committed players quit the team and signed on with the U.S. squad leading to the ouster of Zarquawi. Barak also indicated that they are presently resisting the calls from some to go after a "big name" terrorist for fear that the contract demands might be too much for the terror oufit to handle. "Things have been pretty lean for about five years now, revenue is way down, and the season ticket fan base is not what it once was prior to 2001. Some of the more well known terrorists might hedge at the possibility of having to live in a cave. Demands for things like 80 virgins in the afterlife and direct flights to heaven upon martyrdom is not something we really have any control over" Zarquawi, who enjoyed some success against the United States, is sure to be a hot commodity in one of the upper level afterlife leagues. Sources close to Satan himself say Zarquawi is already being considered for the head job on two underworld teams, the Screwtape Six-Six-Sixers and the Diablo Burning Lakers. Zarqawi has been unavailable for comment.

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